Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
