i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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