I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
