Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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