I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
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And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
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When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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