So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
