saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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