listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
