What did we do last night that was yellow?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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