Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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