Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
