I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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