The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
