Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
