I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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