I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize