genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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