the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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