you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
