batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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