So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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