I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
