I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
