i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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