I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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