I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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