It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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