Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
