My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
