just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
