I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
