I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
