Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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