Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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