he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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