is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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