dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
