apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I looked at my own cervix.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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