Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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