You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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