Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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