and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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