I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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