So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I didn't shave. On purpose
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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