so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
