just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
