You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
