I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
