Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
