I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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