I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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