On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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