I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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