my vag is so smooth its legendary
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
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