ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
