He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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