I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
