i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
