Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You need a sexual gate keeper
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
